He'd stepped in to run a team meeting for one of his managers who was out sick. Instead of the usual updates and status reports, the team unleashed a wave of complaints. Slow processes. Bureaucratic nightmare. Impossible to get anything done. They were angry, and they weren't holding back.

He was shocked. Discouraged. Worried he'd lost control of his team. Angry that no one had told him things were this bad.

I was thrilled.

He looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

Here's what I know about anger that most leaders miss:

Anger doesn't appear out of nowhere. It comes after frustration has been ignored. And frustration? Frustration only shows up when people care deeply about something.

Think about it: you don't get frustrated about things that don't matter to you. You shrug and move on. But when you're invested? When you believe the work matters? That's when obstacles feel intolerable.

Behind every complaint is a wish. In this case, his team was wishing to do great work, to make things better, to help their agency succeed. They cared enough to risk speaking up — even to a director who wasn't their usual manager.

That's not a crisis. That's energy you can work with.

The real danger? Silent meetings. Flat responses. Compliance without engagement. That's when you've lost them.

The leadership moment most people miss

When my client and I dug into what happened in that meeting, we didn't focus on fixing the complaints. We focused on something deeper: his ability to separate the complaint from his ego.

Because here's the thing — even when it sounds personal, it's not about you. It's about the person complaining. They want something. They care about the work.

Great leaders know how to hold space for that energy without getting defensive. They know how to listen for what's underneath the frustration. And they know how to redirect that energy toward solutions instead of letting it calcinate into cynicism.

This is where neuroscience meets leadership: when you can regulate your own nervous system in the face of conflict, you model something powerful for your team. You show them how not to take things personally. How to look at the problem, not the person. How to turn heat into light.

What this actually looks like

We worked on three core capacities:

First, the pause. Not reacting when people complain — especially when voices are raised — is a strength, not weakness. Taking a breath. Finding your ground. Remembering that even if it sounds like an attack, it's not about you. This is your opportunity to model the leadership presence your team needs when things get hard.

Second, deep listening. Really hearing what they're saying, reflecting it back until they feel understood. Asking "What's the real challenge for you here?" and then actually listening to the answer. This is one of the most underutilized leadership skills I see — and one of the most transformative.

Third, redirecting the energy. Moving from complaint to creativity. From problem to possibility. Helping the team focus on what they want, what they can influence, and what they're willing to commit to.

When leaders can do this — when they can listen beyond the frustration — they discover gold: commitment, insight, and energy that can be redirected toward real change.

The work beneath the work

Here's what makes this challenging: it requires you to lead from a different place. Not from your positional authority or your ability to have the right answer. From your capacity to stay grounded when others are activated. From your willingness to be curious instead of defensive. From your commitment to the team's growth, not just the immediate problem.

This is whole-life leadership. It's not about separating who you are at work from who you are everywhere else. It's about developing the inner capacities — the self-awareness, the emotional regulation, the values clarity — that let you show up as your best self even when things explode.

Most leadership development focuses on what to DO. I work with leaders on who to BE first — because that's what changes everything else.

So next time your team is upset?

Don't rush to defend or fix.

Get curious.

What are they fighting for? What does this moment reveal about what matters to them? How can you use this energy to strengthen the team — and yourself as a leader?

That director? By the end of our session, he wasn't discouraged anymore. He was energized. He saw the complaints for what they really were: his team telling him they're still in the game.

And that's something worth being thrilled about.